I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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