Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
