In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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