Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
