I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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