My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
