The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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