So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
