Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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