You just made me feel so damn special
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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