last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
