When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
