I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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