I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
