Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
