Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
