omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
