This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
