hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
