he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
