i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
