Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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