you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
