I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
