I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We're too hungover to prance.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
