you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize