My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
