I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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