Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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