Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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