I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
