I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
please come you make the beer taste better
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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