Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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