the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
