Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
