i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
