OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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