I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
