i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
