I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
