Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
