Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
