I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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