I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
