I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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