Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
