When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
