apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
