soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
