My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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